Hermes Falling. A bloodless dive into immortality. Here, a place to explore words, ideas, in a flight of shared intimacy. Tell me what you think.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
otherness
Can I paint darkness on the right side of terror? Can a fractured existence become a seasoned soul? There's no joy for the masked. I want to transform myself - become something Other. My face, my skin, my habits, my body, my clothes. My haze.
I have to add that I don't like this one, or the combination of the first two phrases with the rest. Maybe they should attach themselves to two differnt poems? If you have ideas, le me know. -littlepage
Reading your poem, I feel palpably the angst which underlies it. “darkness” “terror” “fractured” “existence” “masked” “haze” seem to me, wonderful words to convey alienation or angst, being lost.
I at first thought you'd used too many Latinized double-syllabled or triple-syllabled words for a poem. Remembering George Orwell’s injunction never to use long words when short ones will do, I thought “torn” might be better than “fractured”, and “being” might be better than “existence”, and “change” might be better than “transform”.
Then I thought further and realized that alienation or angst or “lostness” is best sensed through the more impersonal Latinized longer words you actually used. So I think your poem perfect the way it is.
But, a question. Why the space between the second and third lines? And is “Ah” necessary?
All I’ve said may sound presumptuous, since I’m not a poet (any I’ve written are risible, except, of course, to me!!!) and I'm definitely not an academic, being merely a simple ordinary knock-about ill-educated regular fellow. So what the hell do I know?!!. And my invoking of George Orwell may have been inapposite, since his advice to writers probably applied only to writers of prose, not poets.
Therefore take all I’ve said with the proverbial pinch of salt!!!
I like your suggestions. I'm really not sure why a separated the phrases that way. I think for some reason I was afraid to connect them up, and only used the "ah" for that specific purpose, but I do see now that it might look better that way. If so, I can lose the "Ah," and perhaps they would run together in space. All of my poems are meant to be read out loud, so I really focus on the rhthym, the sound. I try to let that lead me into whether I use mult-syllabic or mono-syllabic words. But, I might play through in my head what kind of poem, what kind of music, would emerge through such changes. By the way, it is interesting you bring up that comment by Orwell - both Ezra Pound and Mark Twain auggest the same.
4 comments:
I have to add that I don't like this one, or the combination of the first two phrases with the rest. Maybe they should attach themselves to two differnt poems? If you have ideas, le me know.
-littlepage
Reading your poem, I feel palpably the angst which underlies it. “darkness” “terror” “fractured” “existence” “masked” “haze” seem to me, wonderful words to convey alienation or angst, being lost.
I at first thought you'd used too many Latinized double-syllabled or triple-syllabled words for a poem. Remembering George Orwell’s injunction never to use long words when short ones will do, I thought “torn” might be better than “fractured”, and “being” might be better than “existence”, and “change” might be better than “transform”.
Then I thought further and realized that alienation or angst or “lostness” is best sensed through the more impersonal Latinized longer words you actually used. So I think your poem perfect the way it is.
But, a question. Why the space between the second and third lines? And is “Ah” necessary?
All I’ve said may sound presumptuous, since I’m not a poet (any I’ve written are risible, except, of course, to me!!!) and I'm definitely not an academic, being merely a simple ordinary knock-about ill-educated regular fellow. So what the hell do I know?!!. And my invoking of George Orwell may have been inapposite, since his advice to writers probably applied only to writers of prose, not poets.
Therefore take all I’ve said with the proverbial pinch of salt!!!
I like your suggestions. I'm really not sure why a separated the phrases that way. I think for some reason I was afraid to connect them up, and only used the "ah" for that specific purpose, but I do see now that it might look better that way. If so, I can lose the "Ah," and perhaps they would run together in space. All of my poems are meant to be read out loud, so I really focus on the rhthym, the sound. I try to let that lead me into whether I use mult-syllabic or mono-syllabic words. But, I might play through in my head what kind of poem, what kind of music, would emerge through such changes. By the way, it is interesting you bring up that comment by Orwell - both Ezra Pound and Mark Twain auggest the same.
Cool blog... :)
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